vrykolakas | IC INBOX.

Sir Barfsalot,

You totally have a spire right by me.

We should party sometime and chill out and bang a bunch of women.

Y/N

Please circle one.

Yours Awesomely,

Sterling Archer

I don't fucking know you and I am not holding your hand for moral support while you try to get women into bed with you.

Don't be that way, bro. Don't do this to me. We totally have something going here.

What, orgy potential?

Maybe I should put this in words easier to understand.

we party

people come

more people = better

[So this is a terrible idea, but.]

Yes, orgy potential. That's what I said. Are you new to the Unseelie court, by any chance?

Tell you what. If you really want to throw a party, I've got some high-quality merchandise I'm happy to supply you with, so that you don't have to rely just on wine to make sure people relax a little. Baron-to-Baron discount. Also, I happen to know the Madame of the Nocturne in Mair. I can vouch for the extraordinary talents of her girls. Fit to make a dead man come.

Even with the discount I can't say it'll be cheap, but without us, you're going to have to settle for second best. Anyway, would you throw a cheap party?

Edited 2015-01-19 18:42 (UTC)

Duh. That's just a bonus but there are bigger plans at work.

Oh man, I've always wanted to say that.

Anyway, Baron-to-Baron discount? Seriously? Do I look like a white guy who's just walked into a Muslim market, ripe picking for smooth words? I'll take a free sample and we can discuss prices from there. Same with the girls but those samples don't come free, I know that, don't even say anything.

Extract the stick from your arse and live a little. Do your own damn research if you want to see whether I'm legit or not; I'm not your fucking ma.

The girls aren't my business. Talk to madame. I can put you two in touch.

One wine glass won't be some sacrilege to Mohammed, come on. Seriously, have you never learned the trick to selling cocaine?

Ask my clients, dear little bloodbag. Fact is, I expect this will be my last sell; going somewhat more legit now that I've a tower to take up my time. If I cut a deal with you, are you going to help me clean out my stock by buying in bulk?

[That's such bullshit, what]

Also, who's Mohammed.

Edited 2015-01-20 09:26 (UTC)

Like I haven't heard that one. I've bought enough drugs in my day. I'll pay you 3/4s of your asking price.

He's like Jesus but for the Muslims. And a lot more bloodthirsty. And an actual pedophile.

Edited 2015-01-21 06:43 (UTC)

It's a start.

Is this Jesus the same ab-dead bloodgod I keep hearing about? Doesn't exist in my world; I'm unfamiliar with the mythology.

That is literally the most metal way I've heard Jesus described and it was kind of awesome.

Ah, what can I say? Regardless of the potentially metallic nature of your dying-undying god, if I weren't interested in inspiring awe, I wouldn't ride something as impractical and irascible as a fucking puca.

What the fuck is a puca and where can I get one?

Fuck-off huge nightmare horse made of shadow, smoke and hellfire.

Impress one.

I'll get right on that.

And I'm not saying that sarcastically, if you thought otherwise.

Knock yourself out.

IC INBOX.

text | also read in voice because this is Archer and he wants you to hear it in his voice

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